Anxiety

Disclaimer.....NOT ME in the picture. I wish...but no. I'd honestly be happy to look like the start weight girl!

So I am probably retarded and the only person who has felt this anxiety...but if I'm not...then hopefully this helps someone else out too. My anxiety is not about being able to complete this...or being overweight in general. My anxiety has to do with losing it. I don't WANT to tell anyone how much I weigh or how much I want to lose. Thus the reason this blog is quasi anonymous for now.

So why is this?

Here is my brain's train of thought.

I am friggin scared to death to lose this weight. Not because I'm afraid of wierd skin flaps (think Click)... although I am a little bit honestly. Or because I might fail...or gain it back...or any of that. I'm scared to death and have anxiety because...

I don't want to admit I'm that fat. I don't feel that fat. Well...when I look in the mirror I'm depressed yes. But in day to day doin my thing life...I truly don't feel that fat. I also don't want to have to admit to anyone else that I have to LOSE the same number (weight wise) as I am supposed to ACHIEVE according to my "healthy body weight." Because if I admit that...they will also know I am fat (as if they didn't already know...hello!) And quite honestly...I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that in 8 years I have put on 130 pounds and didn't think anything of it, or make any true hard work efforts until now. I'm ashamed that I truly let myself slide this much...making excuses like "Well if someone is going to like me it better be for my insides, not my outsides!" or when I first became single again "If a guy wants to be with me, it will be because of my witty personality (insert rolling eyes here) and not my looks." And yes...I still believe that but on the other hand, there has to be a sense of attraction there too and not many people are attracted to beached whales. 

So...in other words I'm retarded, and not normal. But eh...what do ya do. I'll get over it...and I'll be all happy when I'm back down to what I want to be. I'm also sure I'll get over my anxiety as my numbers get higher and I start feeling better. But for now.....blah.

So not that I'm giving Weight Watchers extra props (well I kinda am actually) but their system is working because its liveable. If I want a piece of pizza then by dangit I'm gonna have one. But just one. Or two. Not the entire pizza. Because thats what its about!